I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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