I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
