I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
