I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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