about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
