now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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