Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
