Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
