I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
