i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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