I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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