I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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