why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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