if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
