The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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