my phone needs a breathalizer
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
