Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
