I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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