So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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