it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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