The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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