I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
