hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
