census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He passed out mid-signature
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
