I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
