I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am one with the molecules
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
