you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
