I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
