So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
