my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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