She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
