Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
