i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
