i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize