i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
