Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
