I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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