Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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