after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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