i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
