just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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