No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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