I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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