I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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