So drunk its hurt
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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