i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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