I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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