The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize