Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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