You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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