Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
