Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
