i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
