great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
