my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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