hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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