so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
