i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
