i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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