My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
