how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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