I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
