true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She's the barista slut.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
