Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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