I am midnight drunk by noon
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize