The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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