if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
